Begin to Hope
by McPerfect
Summary: the prequel to look after you. follow addison and alex through their very strange i'm not interested in you, but i really am dance, and through their relationship and aimiable break up and find out how they ended up so close. ADDEX, obviously.
1. That Time

**a/n: ok, so i'm starting over again. this time i'm staying true to the season 3 plot, because that's what i had in mind when i wrote "look after you". i think the first three or four chapters are going to be the defining points in season 3 for addex (the kiss, the sleeping together, the church). i don't know if i'm actually going to write out addison in l.a. it seems kind of tedious, but i guess you'll find out.**

**this story's musical inspiration for titles is regina spektor's Begin to Hope even though it's a very strange and wonderful album that has been of no use to this story at all. i just like the titles of the songs.**

**oh, and i just want you to know, the dialogue in the supply closet scene is completely accurate. i know this because i got season 3 for christmas and so i broke my happy bubble of denial (i stopped watching after six days) and went and wrote exactly what was said down. which broke my poor addex heart. so be very thankful that i love you all so much that i was willing to be disillusioned and sad for you.**

**and now, after quite possibly the longest author's note ever... the disclaimer. then the story, i swear.**

**disclaimer: i'm working on saving up to buy them from shonda, but i kind of just blew that by going and spending ninety dollars at borders in one trip.**_

* * *

I am an idiot. Quite possibly the biggest idiot that ever lived. Because not only did I have to go and sleep with Mark _**again**_, I had to go and kiss Alex Karev. What was I thinking? I mean, seriously? Alex Karev? I don't even feel that way about him. Not really, anyways. I mean, yeah, he's gorgeous. He's beyond gorgeous, off in a category of his own. But he's annoying. And an intern and… and… and that's just simply unacceptable._

_Besides, he's a decent guy, and he shouldn't have to be dragged into my strange, twisted, and depressing world. Even if he wants to be, he shouldn't. Not that he really does. Yeah, he kissed me back, but what was he supposed to do? Push me away? I'm his boss! There's no way he actually_ **wanted **_to kiss me. No one that hot and that _**decent**_ would want to. Simply because I'm not that lucky. All I do is attract jerks. That's me, the jerk magnet._

--------

She kissed me. Addison Forbes Montgomery kissed me and I liked it. I'm not going to lie, I did. I didn't plan on it happening, that's true. That was all her. But I didn't pull back. Didn't _want _to pull back. That was her too. Because I didn't. At first I thought about it, but she's my boss, so I didn't. Then I realized what a good kisser she is, so I didn't. I've never been kissed like that before, not really. I don't. It was sweet. But now I'm all confused and that really sucks.

--------

_You know, this is really kind of Derek and Mark and Meredith's fault. Because if Mark hadn't slept with me, then Derek would never have come to Seattle and met Meredith. And I never would have followed him, and they never would have slept together and Derek and I would be divorced, or we would be, but in New York. Which would mean that I never would have met Alex and wouldn't be in this mess at all. Can you tell that I'm looking for a scapegoat?_

_And you know what else? This wouldn't be nearly as difficult if he wasn't a thoroughly enjoyable kisser. Because then I wouldn't have to worry about why I enjoyed it so much and why I enjoyed kissing him more than I ever enjoyed kissing Mark or Derek. I didn't just say that. Because it's not true. It's not!_

_I don't even know why I did it. He just looked so sad. And thoroughly kissable. Like the candy. Ha, that's funny. Okay, not so much, but you know what? I don't care. Plus, I had been drinking. Which we all know leads to bad decisions on my part (are any transcontinental booty calls ringing a bell?). I just… I felt like it was the right thing to do. Which I was clearly wrong about. I don't think I've been this stressed over something since I slept with Mark and Derek caught us. Not even about the panties. Or the divorce. Can anyone tell me what that means?_

---------

She's going to avoid me. I know it. She's an avoider. But I'm not going to let her. She's going to talk to me, whether or not she wants to. She's not getting away with this, not this time.

----------

_I manage to avoid Alex for a week, until he sees me in the hallway one morning. "Hey," he says. Casually, as if nothing happened!_

_"Oh, Dr. Karev," I say. Professional, professional, professional._

_"What's up?" he asks._

_"Oh, um, nothing."_

_"You've been avoiding me all week," he says. Oh crap, he noticed._

_"Avoiding you? No, I haven't." Deny, deny, deny._

_"So you're good?" he asks. What kind of question is that?_

_"Yeah, I'm good. I'm all… good," I answer. Could I be any less articulate? But that's not because he's around me. It's because I'm flustered with the question. Yeah, that's it._

_"Good."_

_"Yeah, good. Well, bye."_

_I avoid him all day after that. I don't feel good about it, but I do it anyways. And then he yells in the middle of the hallway. The hallway! "When you get a minute, I'd like to talk to you about the kissing." Ugh. How embarrassing. Is it any wonder I run? I don't think so. You'd do the same thing. And if he thinks that that's any way to get me to talk to him, well, he needs to learn a little more about me. Not that I want him to._

_I'm walking down the hallway, pretending to scan a chart, but really just looking out for Alex. I'm so intent on the hallway in front of me that I don't see him round the corner. I don't even notice him until he grabs my elbow. "Dr. Montgomery," he says as he drags me along into a supply closet._

_"What? Karev? I don't-"_

_"You kissed me, right? You kissed me and ever since, you've been avoiding me."_

_"Alex," I sigh, hoping to cut him off. No such luck._

_"No, you've been avoiding me because you just expect that I want you. You just expect that everyone you look at sideways is pining after you, right?" What is he talking about? "Has it even occurred to you that maybe I'm not interested?"_

_I want to tell him that yes; it has occurred to me, but all that I ask is, "You're not interested?" like some complete idiot._

_"You think I want to be just another intern sleeping with an attending?" Ow._

_There are so many things I want to say right now, so many words I want to yell at him. What I come up with is, "But you kissed me back…" Seriously? You'd think I'd be better. Usually I'm better. Especially with cocky guys that mean next to nothing to me._

_"You're my boss," he replies. "I mean, what'd you expect me to do? Look, Sloan's had me changing bandages all day and I would way rather be scrubbing in on one of your surgeries and if you keep avoiding me, I don't get to scrub in. So stop avoiding me," he orders. "It happened, but it doesn't have to happen again."_

_You know, he's right. It doesn't have to happen again, and it won't. "All right," I say. I wish I could ban him from my surgeries, send him back to Sloan, but that would show him just how much he affected me. I mean, it would make it look like he affected me. Because he didn't actually. Not really._

_"All right," he agrees and leaves, leaving me quite literally speechless._

--------

That didn't go exactly like I wanted it to. As I walk away, I get the incredible urge to go back to the supply closet and explain myself. Because most of it was a big, fat lie. Or the truth in some very twisted way. Like the pining thing. While not every guy she looks sideways at is pining after, I might be. A little bit. But don't tell anyone that. And I don't just want to just be sleeping with her. Which, by the way, scares the shit out of me. Because the last time I wanted more, I got left for a nearly dead guy who ended up dying anyways. Not that I have anything against Izzie or Denny, but still.

But, now, there's no going back. Anyways, by now, she's probably pissed and on the warpath. No use talking to her now.

--------

_I stay in the supply closet for a couple minutes, just staring. I thought… I thought… I don't even know what I thought, but that was not the response I thought I'd get. Not that I really care, since I don't really care about him anyways. But ow. Just… ow. Whatever. I'll live. Since I really didn't and don't care about him, I don't think it'll be hard to move on. Not that there's anything to move on from in the first place. But still. You know what I mean. Actually, you probably don't. But that's okay. I don't either._

_

* * *

_

**yay, chapter 1: 2.0! sorry about the whole starting a story then deciding i hated it thing. this one should go much smoother.**

**i know i haven't done anything to deserve them, but want to review anyways?**

**-Lauren**


	2. Better

**look! there's more! i know it's taken forever and ever, but it's finally here... the next chapter! **

**disclaimer: believe me, possesion of the grey's cast would be my number 1 wish if i had a genie, however, as of now, all i own are several agatha christie novels, a lot of school books, and some leftover rice from my lunch. not really gonna help me with that. however, should anyone be interested in taking over shondaland with me, contact me!**

_

* * *

_

_Okay, I know I said that I don't care about Alex. And I don't! But that's not to say that I'm not attracted to him. I mean, have you seen him? He's amazingly good looking. So maybe I was staring a little. But not because I care about him. Only because he's man candy. But as I told Callie, he is the help, and I will not be sleeping with the help. You may not believe me, I'm not exactly the greatest when it comes to resisting man candy, but in case you don't remember, he's not interested, so it's not going to be that hard. _

_But, oh my God, he looks so good laying back on that bed in that black tank top that should be illegal for him to wear. He looks too good in it. He'd cause catfights in the streets if he wore that outside. So I'm staring a little bit! Nothing wrong with that. I'm single and divorced, and my only option to get laid is Mark Sloan, which is not happening again. Ever again. Therefore, I'm allowed to stare._

--------

I really wish she'd stop staring at me. Because it is really hard to concentrate and act normal when she's looking at me. In fact, she's not even looking, she's openly staring. Actually, openly is the wrong word for it, since she looks away every time I make eye contact with her. But when I'm not looking she stares. Thinks she's being sneaky. She's not, but it's fun to watch her try to be.

I feel bad about yelling at her now. She'd didn't do anything to deserve being yelled at. I hurt her, I can see that, and that sucks. Because she's already been hurt a lot. And I've just added to her inventory of scars. Great. Nice going, Alex. Now you've got no chance in heaven or hell, instead of just no chance at all. Just great.

I'm a master at sabotaging myself. First with Olivia and Izzie and then Denny and Izzie. And now Addison. Sometimes I really hate myself.

--------

_A couple of weeks later, and Alex and I are... I'm not entirely sure what we are. But we're back to where we were before the kiss. We're talking, which is a good thing. And there's no real awkwardness and even a little flirting, which are very good things. Not that I minded not flirting, but it's fun. So thing's are back to normal. Normal is good._

_Then Jane Doe happens. Well, actually the ferry boat crash happens, but I can't help but think of Jane Doe as a separate event. _

_She's the most beat-up looking woman I've ever seen. Alex actually pulled her out from underneath a bunch of debris. When I hear this, I feel a twinge of pride, and something else that's not lust. Which is strange. But I ignore it, because I don't care at all about Alex Karev, and therefore that twinge was nothing._

_It surprises me how emotionally invested Alex is in this case. At first I thought he just wanted the surgeries that went with it, but even after he got kicked off the case, he still checked on her. It's really sweet. I wasn't sure Alex Karev did sweet anymore. He hasn't been lately, but earlier, he was. Like the vanilla latte. That was seriously sweet._

_I find him checking on Jane Doe again, and I smile slightly. Then my stupid doom and gloom brain turns on. There's not a single person here who would miss me if I were on that ferry. Maybe Callie and Miranda. But not a single other person. I doubt people would even notice._

_It's out of my mouth before I can stuff it back in. "It just makes you think, you know? Would anyone notice if I went missing?" For a second, he looks at me like he might say something, but that quickly changes to an expression that tells me he's wondering whether or not I've gone crazy. So I smile and pretend like I wasn't actually asking a question, wasn't actually asking him to deny me my misery. "Anyways…" I trail off and leave the room. Why did I even say that? _

-------

Why would she ask something like that? Why would she think that she wouldn't be missed? That no one cares? People care about her. Callie cares about her, Sloan cares about her, the Chief cares about her, Shepherd cares about her, even if he won't admit it. I care about her. Hell, even Izzie cares about her, at least in the professional way. The way that I'm supposed to be caring about her. People care. It pisses me off that she doesn't know that, that she's so uncertain all because of Sloan, Shepherd, and a skanky pair of Meredith's underwear. Not going to lie, I miss kick-ass pre-Prom Addison. The one who screamed at me and didn't take my crap. Kick-ass Addison was awesome. I only get to see Kick-ass Addison every once in awhile now. Most of the time I get to see Broken Addison, and Broken Addison makes me sad. Broken Addison reminds me of Kick-ass Addison, but only because she's the replacement for Kick-ass Addison. Sometimes I like Broken Addison, because she seems human. Kick-ass Addison's more like a goddess from some ancient, woman dominated culture. She's unreal, she's untouchable, and she's totally hot. But that's the thing, she's not real. Broken Addison is real. Broken Addison hurts. I just wish that Addison could find a balance between Kick-ass Addison and Broken Addison. Just find Addison.

-------

_I return to check on Jane Doe again and find Alex there. Again. After a couple minutes of mundane conversation, he says, "I'd notice."_

_Like the brilliant conversationalist that I am, I reply, "Huh?"_

"_If you went missing," he explains and moves closer. I pretend like my heart rate didn't just double. "I'd notice."_

_My wonderful conversational skills make an encore appearance and I say… absolutely nothing. My mouth won't function. Nothing comes out and I just stare. That didn't sound like someone uninterested. Our eyes lock and just as I feel like I might do something stupid like I did at Joe's, he turns around and walks away. Thank God._

0ooo0

_We continue to toe the line between professional and personal, as only we can. I don't think I've ever met anyone so frustrating and confusing. And the problem with him being so confusing is that I can't stay away. I love puzzles. Love them. Can't walk away from one. And the thing about Alex Karev that is so annoying is that he is one giant puzzle. One that I have to solve before I can move on. That's what keeps me coming back to him all of the time. Not because I have any really real feelings for him, but because I want to solve him._

_Not that sleeping with him helps me any with that. Which I was brilliant enough to do. But before you start condemning me, let me just say that I have absolutely no idea how that happened. One minute I was screaming at him, and the next I was kissing him and shoving him back into an on call room. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know! It's not because I feel anything other than lust for Alex Karev. I don't sleep with people just because of lust. I refuse to lower myself to that. Usually any sex I get means something to me. Except for now. Unless… no… no, it's just not… it's not possible that… it's simply not possible that I feel anything besides lust for Alex Karev. It's not. I don't feel anything besides lust. I don't. Except I do. Shit._

_0ooo0_

_I find him later to extend an offer that I think he can't refuse. I mean, he's a guy. He's not going to refuse the chance for sex, right? Wrong. He refuses. He doesn't just refuse, he actually flat out tells me that I'm not his girlfriend. What the hell? Did I say anything to that effect ever? No!_

_How could I have been so stupid. What would a gorgeous, smart, funny, young intern want with me, a thirty-something divorcée with a talent for making herself miserable? God._

_Oh well. That's that._

------

I had to do it. I did. She wants someone serious. Someone to play catch with kids and barbeque. I'm not that guy and I won't be for a really long time. And she shouldn't have to wait around for me. She'll find someone. She's too great not to. It's better this way. So that's that. The end.

* * *

**i'll let you in on a secret. it's really not the end. gasp! stunning, i know, right?**

**i'll try to get the next chapter up some time before the new millenium, but i'm not going to promise anything.**

**reviews?**

**-Lauren**


	3. Lady

**ooh, i can feel the hate rays all the way over here. i know, i know... i wish i had an excuse. instead of making you read some lame ass made up excuse, i'm just going to hang my head in shame, allow you to pelt me with water balloons (tomatoes are disgusting), and let you read the next chapter. fortunately, good things happen.**

**disclaimer: as long as i've been gone, i am sorry to say that in the five or so months, i have not acheived any sort of ownership of any part of grey's. particularly not justin chambers (damn).**

* * *

_After that day, I just stop. I stop flirting, I stop being a decent person to him, I just stop. I'm nothing more than strictly professional. No one's going to know that he hurt me. Not him, not anyone. No one's going to know that he even got to the point that he __**could **__hurt me. No one._

_I'm still hurting when Naomi calls me and extends an invitation down to L.A. which I accept. Maybe that was smart. I'm not really sure._

_There's this guy down there… Pete. Pete's basically the practice's quack. Everyone needs one, right? Pete's very good looking, I'm not going to lie about that. Very good looking. And a damn good kisser. I mean, really good. But even though we kiss and it's nice and sweet, there's just something missing. Something wrong with the picture. I don't even want to think about why I think that. Because Pete's an amazing guy, he'd be good for me, but there's just something that's not there. And don't you dare say it's that he's not Alex, because it's not true. Definitely not. Maybe not. Okay, yeah it is. And that just sucks._

_So I come back to Seattle, because I enjoy torturing myself. Really. I do._

_0ooo0_

_When Alex sits down next to me at the wedding, I have the overwhelming urge to smack him. Or kiss him. I can't decide which. Both. Smack him and then kiss him and have my way with him. Then I realize that I probably shouldn't be having these thoughts in a church._

_Then he starts to hit on me, and before I know it, I'm telling him to stop. What is my problem? Honestly. Anyways, he starts hitting on me, and I go and tell him the truth. That he wants Ava (Rebecca now?), that is. And then Burke leaves and Meredith comes up and tells everyone that "it's over. So over," and I know she's right._

_I leave the church and Alex and try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do now. Because I have no idea. I toy with the idea of moving to L.A., but ultimately discard it. It just doesn't seem right. So I guess I'm staying. Staying in a city that hates me. Lovely._

_--_

Addison told me that she hates me, which I'm trying to block out. Ava, or I guess her name's Rebecca now, wants me to give her a reason to stay. But I can't, because that'd be unfair to her. So I'm trying to block that out too.

Addison was gone for a week. Both the best and worst week of my life. Best because for once I could actually just work. I didn't have to think about whether she'd approve or anything, I could just do my job. But it sucked not having her around. Then she came back, and I realized just how much I had missed her. And then I realized just how big of an asshole I've been. So I've decided that I'll make it up to her.

She looks up as I approach her with coffee. "What's this?" she asks, looking at the coffee in my hand.

"Coffee."

"_You_ brought me coffee?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" Does she always have to be so damn suspicious?

"Because. You looked like you needed it." This is true, she looks like she's been through hell and back. "You okay?"

She shrugs. "Yeah. I guess. Hand over that coffee," she orders. I obey gladly. "Thank you." She smiles as she takes a sip and suddenly the money was worth it. "But I still hate you," she announces. "That's not going to change any time soon, so get used to it."

I shrug. I didn't expect her to forgive and forget because of a cup of coffee. It'll be a challenge to win her back, but I'm up to it. "Pretty used to it already. But if you don't hate me too much, I want to keep working with you."

She looks suspicious. Again with the suspecting me thing. "Why?"

"Because you're a good teacher. And, besides," I say and look past her so I don't actually have to see her face, "I want to go into neonatal."

"What about Plastics?"

I shrug again. "Sloan's an ass."

"While that is the absolute truth, you shouldn't let one jerky boss turn you off your career path."

"It's not like that," I say. It's more like one great boss turning me on to a different career path. But I don't say that out loud.

"You've wanted to go into Plastics for as long as I've known you. Give me one reason why I shouldn't kick your ass back there," she demands.

"Because I don't want to go back. I don't want to work in Plastics and I'd learn nothing if I did. And I know that I'd learn from you, and I know that because you're a good teacher, you don't want to send me where I'd learn nothing. So you should keep me around."

The corners of her mouth twitch and I can tell she's trying not to smile. "Okay. You can stay. But I still don't like you."

"No one said you had to."

--

_I don't know why I let him stay around. I should have kicked his sorry ass back to Plastics. But that would show just how much I let him get to me, so I let him stay. Brilliant, right?_

_As the weeks progress it becomes evident that he either changed in the week I was gone, or does a damn good job of faking it. He no longer complains, he's interested in the cases, he does things without me asking. He even gets me coffee and lunch. I think he may have hit his head while I was gone._

_0ooo0_

_We're standing in an elevator, Alex and I, all alone, when suddenly he reaches out and pushes the emergency button. "What the hell?" I snap. I'm not in a particularly good mood today. Quite frankly, life sucks right now. And I'm stuck in an elevator with the most confusing person I've ever met. Seriously. One minute he's making my life hell and I'm about ready to tear his throat out, and then all of a sudden he's treating me like a lady and his superior and I can't remember why I wanted to tear his throat out. Until he starts up with the making my life hell thing again. What I don't get is how I can like someone who makes me so mad. It doesn't make sense._

"_Look. I lied. Before. When I said I wasn't interested. I lied."_

"_So you're saying that…" I trail off, unable to finish that sentence because my heart is taking this opportunity to go haywire. We're clearly back to the treating me like a lady thing._

"_I'm saying that you're the most frustrating person I've ever met, and for some weird reason, even though half the time I can't stand you, I want you." Maybe I spoke too soon about the lady thing._

_My brilliant conversational skills hit an all time high and I say something to the effect of, "Um…" But you have to understand, I've spent months thinking the guy doesn't want me in any form of the word, and trying to get over that. And now he suddenly wants me. You'd be speechless too._

"_Could you say something?" he asks nervously._

"_I… What am I supposed to say?" I ask. No, seriously. What am I supposed to say? "Alex, I can't just pretend like everything never happened. It did. And I ended up hurt because of it. I can't just forget that. I don't have any reason to believe you this time. Give me a reason why I should trust you. I've given you ample opportunity to earn my trust, but you've thrown them away. Why should I give you another chance?"_

"_Because I figured things out and I'm not being an idiot now," he answers me. I would just like to point out just how much of a non-reason that is. That is not a reason for me to trust him again, no matter which way you slice it. So why am I falling for it? "Addison," he says. "Please." He reaches out to touch my face, but I pull away._

"_Please don't touch me," I plead. It's not that I don't want him touching me, but I can't think if he does and I need all my brain to decide this. The stress must be getting to me or I must be seriously PMSing or something, because I feel tears starting to fill my eyes. Obviously he notices too, because he takes no notice of my snub, and just asks, "Are you okay?"_

"_Yeah," I say and shake my head. "I just… didn't expect this. At all."_

_He pulls the button out and we start moving again. The most uncomfortable silence of my life. Then, the second before the doors open, he kisses me. It takes me by surprise, but just when I start to kiss him back, he pulls away with a smirk. "Think about it," he says and then the doors slide open and he walks out, leaving me standing shocked, unblinking, with his kiss still on my lips and his words still in my ears, not even thinking about what he said, but wondering how he managed to time that so perfectly. _

--

There. I did it. It only took me a couple of months to build up the courage to do it. But it's over with now. All I can do now is wait for her. That sucks.

0ooo0

I'm trying to get some sleep in an on call room later that day, when she pages me. I'm torn between ignoring it, because I don't really feel like getting screamed at for my little stunt in the elevator, and sprinting to find her, because, hey, you never know. I settle for a jog, because it might be a real emergency. I find her in the NICU, checking up on a patient. When she hears me come in, she turns around and the corners of her mouth turn up in a nervous smile. "You came," she says.

"You paged," I reply.

"Yeah."

"Did you want something?" I ask.

"Y-yeah," she stammers. I don't think I've ever heard her this nervous before. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard her nervous. Sad, yeah. Angry, hell yeah. But never nervous. "Um, I was thinking about what you were saying earlier. And I, um, oh I don't know how to say this," she says.

"You were thinking," I prompt her.

"I know what I was saying," she snaps. "And I was going to say that if you haven't changed you're mind, I would love to… to…"

"Addison, use your words," I tease her. She rolls her eyes.

"I would love to go on a date with you. But you keep this up and I'll reconsider that particular decision."

"I- okay," I say. "Drinks after work?"

She tries to keep her frown from turning into a smile, but she's having trouble, I can see it. "Sure."

I close the distance between us and kiss her. When I feel her start to respond I pull back. "Later," I say. I kiss her again then walk away. I love doing that to her.

"The kissing and leaving thing's getting really old really fast!" she calls after me. I can hear that she's still breathless and I just smirk.

* * *

**so let's pretend that i haven't been gone for nearly half a year and still have the right to ask/beg for reviews.**

**reviews? :D you know you want to!**

**-Lauren**


	4. Fidelity

**urgh, think i've been gone long enough? i'm sorry. my creative brainwaves are just not functioning anymore. i am SO sorry. if you're still reading this, i'm impressed. on the plus side, i think you'll like the chapter, if you're still reading.**

**if Grey's Anatomy was mine, i would be a whole lot richer than i am.**

_I don't know that I would call our first date a particular success, per say. I mean, it wasn't the_ worst_ date ever, but there wasn't anything really extraordinary about it either. We just grabbed drinks and something to eat and then he took me home. He didn't stay, if that's what you were wondering. It was the smart thing to do. I mean, come on, we've slept together and look how that turned out. I, for one, would not have to go through that again. In case you haven't noticed, plane tickets are expensive. Plus, I just don't feel like another trip down to L.A. And okay, so maybe that has more to do with the Pete factor than the money factor, but still. I just don't want to go through it again._

_Anyways, the first date was good. Just good. It left me debating whether this whole thing was really worth it or not. That is, until our second date._

_I'm studying a chart, leaning against the nurses' station when he approaches me. He leans in, probably a little closer than he should have, but not an indecent distance. Then he says quietly, "So that whole date thing, not so great."_

_I feel my heart sink in my chest, preparing itself to break. I can already hear the splintering when he continues. "I'm thinking you should let me prove I can do better than that tomorrow night." Rewind that splintering noise._

_I smile and try not to let him know how scared I was. Even if the date was mediocre, honestly, I'd rather go on a hundred mediocre dates with him than on one really good one with someone else, that's how pathetic I am. "If you insist," I reply. "But why tomorrow?"_

_He leans in closer. Okay, now that really is an indecent distance, and I am freaking incapable of doing anything about it. "Because I haven't figured you out yet. But don't worry I will," he says quietly. I resist the urge to swoon._

_I smirk to cover up my shaking knees. "Yeah, good luck with that."_

_Same distance, same cocky smirk, same party going on in my chest and stomach. "I'm up to the challenge." I hear my breath catch, and think that damn it, I'm never going to hear the end of it. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but then just turns and walks away._

_When I'm sure he's out of sight, I all but collapse, using the nurses' station to prop myself up so I look like I'm standing semi-normally and that my knees aren't about to give out._

--

Even though I love getting Addison all hot and bothered, there is a problem with it. I have to live up to those expectations. And now I have to come up with some date idea that shows that I've managed to at least sort of figure her out. I think about it throughout the day, but can't come up with anything. And that night too. I get nothing. And she's not exactly helping, purposefully avoiding me and all. Even when we're in the same room, she doesn't give anything away. Which is seriously annoying. But whatever.

My answer comes to me just after rounds. We're checking on a woman with ovarian cancer. She has a seven year old daughter and she's a single parent. While we're in the room it becomes clear that even though the woman, Mrs. Miller, loves her daughter, Grace, Grace is Mrs. Miller's caretaker, in her own seven year old way.

"Mommy, do you want some water or something?" Grace asks.

"No, sweetie, I'm good."

"Are you sure?" Big, blue saucer eyes come into play. She clearly wants to do something.

Mrs. Miller looks at us and then at her daughter. "A glass of water would be great, sweetie. Thank you." She looks back at us. "Is that all?"

I look to Addison, who seems flustered. "Oh, um, yeah. Sure. Um, yeah. I'll be, um we'll be back later." She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and pretty much flees the room.

I find her leaning against the wall opposite the door. "You okay?"

She swallows and tries to hide the fact that she's has tears in her eyes. "It's just… it's not fair, you know? Childhood should be like… swings."

"Swings?"

She looks at me. "Does anything make you feel better than swings? I mean, there's nothing else in the world that makes you feel freer, if you close your eyes. And that's how childhood should be. If you don't look close enough, absolutely free, but if you pay attention you have the safety that you need. And I bet that Grace hasn't been on the swings in years."

I don't know what to say. There's nothing that you can say to that. I look around. The hallway's relatively empty so I hug her. I can feel her think about resisting, but then decides not to.

It sounds selfish, but at least I finally got an idea.

--

_I wait in the lobby for Alex to show up. I have to admit, I'm pretty excited to see what he's decided to do, since he built it up so much. And I have to admit, I'm puzzle when I see him approach with Grace Miller. "Hi Grace," I say after a moment for processing._

_"Hi Dr. Montgomery."_

_"Hi Alex." I'm trying to send him a question with my eyes, and it must be tangled with three others or something, because he answers one of them, but not exactly well. "Is it cool if she comes with us?" he asks._

_"Uh… sure." I mean, it's not like I can say no._

_"Cool."_

_"Um, why?"_

_"That's a surprise." Well, I do like surprises._

_I'm especially surprised when he pulls up in front of what appears to be a dark expanse of grass. "What are we doing here?" I ask warily._

_"Come on," he replies. "You'll see."_

_Grace giggles. "Yeah, come on, Dr. Montgomery." Oh great, she's in on the joke too? I feel left out._

_"Addison," I tell her. I don't know if it's just because Dr. Montgomery sounds too long for a seven year old to say, or because I just really want her to call me Addison._

_"Okay. Race ya, Addison!" she yells and takes off. Alex nudges me and I take off after her._

_There's a subtle corner that I turn to reveal a well-lit play structure, complete with teeter-totter, slide, and swings. There's even a tire swing, which Grace is struggling to get on to. I laugh and help her up. After spinning her, I turn, breathing heavily and find Alex waiting, holding a grocery bag. I almost skip over, I'm so giddy. "What's in the bag?" I ask._

_"Food," he answers with a smile. "Hungry?"_

_I smile back. "I don't know. I think I want to go on the swings." Okay, strange impulse, I know, but I just really want to go on the swings. I walk over and puts the bag down to come join me. We swing for a couple minutes and Grace comes to join us. I start slowing down and Grace asks me to push her. And I can't say no. Alex watches, smiling. That goes on for a couple more minutes, until Grace announces that she's hungry. We return to the grocery bag, where Alex starts pulling out sandwiches. He hands me a turkey, my absolute favorite. I know that he's seen me eat it several hundred times, so I'm not exactly mystified as to how he knows, but it's sweet that he remembered. Then he pulls out a peanut butter and banana sandwich for Grace and another sandwich for himself. I never know what's in his sandwich, he never tells me._

_We sit on a bench and eat, Grace faster than us and she goes to play on the play ground some more. "I promised her we'd go out for ice cream later," he announces._

_I turn to face him. "You brought me on a date to let me take her on the swings, didn't you?" I inquire. He shrugs. "How'd you manage all this in so short a time."_

_"A good magician never reveals his tricks," he replies. "Besides," he continues. "You're cute when you pout."_

_I glare at him. "Not fair. I deserve to know."_

_He laughs. "Not really. Just sit back and enjoy it, Addie."_

_I sigh. "It is kind of perfect," I admit. Then I smile. "Aside from the not knowing how you pulled it off part."_

_"I'm not going to tell you," he informs me._

_"I know. But a girl can try, can't she?"_

_"Sure," he says._

_I lean in and kiss him. "Now?" I ask._

_"No."_

_I kiss him again. "Now?"_

_"No."_

_And again. "Now?"_

_He smiles. "No."_

_I smile back. "I'll get it out of you one way or another, Karev, you wait."_

_He smirks. "Looking forward to it."_

_"Addison!" Grace calls. "D'ya think you could push me on the swings again?"_

_I grin. "Sure. Hang on a second." I turn back to Alex and kiss him. "I know it's not over, but thank you for tonight. It's been perfect."_

_He's still smirking when I walk away._

**so even though it's been ages, i would love you if you'd review!**

**Lauren**


End file.
